1 Feb 2024 | Been a while..

And nothing really much has changed. 

I am doing febuwhump so that is passing time. I am crocheting something for Lee. Work is difficult and today PCOS made me stay at home instead of working.

And life rolls on.

31 Jan 2023 | And Now We Are Back Online

 Back online due to a fair bit of gumption on mother's part. of which i am very grateful for.  

23 Jan 2023 | Not connecting

 I'm going to be more forgiving of myself for now, the home internet is still majorly borked.Once its back up, then i'll go back to more regular updates. For now, random thoughts over the last couple of days : 

John Denver's Annie's Song still leaves me indescribably maudlin. Both longing for a love that fills up my senses, and someone who begs me to love them again. Every single time. 

It's The Lad's birthday today. I greeted him and manfully resisted doing any more, doing anything that could be creepy. Augh. I wish i could be over this crush on him.

No home internet is fucking crippling. 

28 Jan 2023 | and waiting

Missed a day mostly because of the drama of having the home internet borked.

Now waiting in campbelltown with a bunch of things and not a lot to do.

Efficacy is shit.

Roaming around office works during back to school season is torture. Going home to no internet is just the same.

Also ran out of smokes. Dammit.

Might do some walking. Might just sit here in the busstop thinking about how empty it all is.

26 Jan 2023 | That One Song

Almost every year i end up doing this. But there is that ONE fan song/filk that someone had made about Dragon Age's Alistair that i fell in love with all those years ago. I swear i downloaded it once, but for the life of me i canna find the damn thing mostly because i cannot remember the title of the song nor the singer. Googling for it is no help either, as there doesn't seem to be any trace of it left on the internet. I'll despair for a bit but i suppose i might find it again during a spring clean. 

25 Jan 2023 | Hot and warm

Ah summer 

24 Jan 2023 | There's something happening somewhere...

Honestly I think this is all it is. This blog. This attempt to write or post something everyday.

Just me. Dancing in the dark.

23 Jan 23 | Palindrome

The end is the beginning is the end

Happy Lunar New Year!

 

https://at.tumblr.com/hazeilus/happy-new-year-and-soon-lunar-year/u26au436tz3c

22 Jan 2023 | Things i wish i knew and things i am struggling to learn

 

21 Jan 2023 | D&D Night Here we go

ah.

20 Jan 2023

Ah. The longing for and fear of intimacy that lives side by side in my head. Well I'm fucked then aren't I.

19 Jan 2023 | Living In a capitalist world pretending to be a material girl

 Wish i didnt have to. Wish i could just have a job and not necessarily feel so lost in it. So useless. 

18 Jan 2023 | Birds in the Backyard

Tawny Frogmouth in the backyard. Apparently mum thought it was a dead bird from the heat (it was 34 fucking degrees in my suburb fucking hell) Then it woke and turned its massive eyes at her. Came home and i guess i was just scarier, because it promptly fucked the fuck off when i approached. 

17 Jan 2023 | i miss loving d&d

i will play it, i do play it. but after being ignored and dropped in favour of it i am out of love. it's all been tainted tbh. not even critical role or any other d&d/ttrpg show is now very hard to enjoy without remembering how stupid it makes me feel and how that feeling was just reinforced by someone who was supposed to help me with it in the first place. 

i dunno

given a chance id just drop it tbh but i feel like the only reason my friends even vaguely tolerate me for now is because of my character in d&d. And once the story is done there will be nothing left in common, nothing left to love me for.

i miss loving it. and i am so tired of it. 

16 January 2023 | Look up look up

Look up darling. The day has begun, th balloons are in the sky and perhaps, like the summer heat from the shimmering concrete sidewalk, your mood too can rise. Rise and rise above the choking in your throat, the clench in your chest, the weight in your stomach.

+++

There was a hot air balloon in the sky this morning. It almost made me optimistic for the day.

15 January 2023

Yeah yeah I missed a day.

13 January 2023 | Personal space is important dammit

Hovering is one thing. It's a whole other thing to be pressed close to someone while they beg you to stop hovering. 

My skin crawled. 

12 January 2023 | Discussion on the train

Sometimes I shouldn't talk about The Lad but I do because sometimes I hope out loud. Quite obnoxious I know. As I said to The Girl, he doesn't play. I lay conversations at his feet, like an awkward puppy with a chew toy or a ball. He very rarely if ever picks it up. That's a no, right? I tease I poke I joke I jive and The Lad Does Not Play. So stop acting like a fucking dog at his feet Mae.

Old Mate grates on my every nerve. I find him arrogant, presumptuous and creepily manipulative. I often wish he would just drop dead, like I was in high school again, nursing a grudge like my genetics dictate. I cannot foster a solution that does not involve either one of us leaving the workplace. And so a holding pattern remains; he remains breathing and i grit my teeth.

Why are the older siblings the one who have to foster these instructions, these behaviours. We weren't parented enough to be able to parent our younger siblings; we only know what we don't want to do, not necessarily what we want to do. This isn't fair. But it is what it is.

Sometimes on the train with The Girl I feel like I could almost be normal. 

11 January 2023

 Sometimes i don't want to talk about The Lad with my friend but i do and it just sticks in my throat all the things i want to say that is just the truth just the painful truth. That the lad is not interested, there is no hope, why the fuck are you even encouraging me in this. It's hopeless. Then i remember she is very young, and for all the noise she makes about being worldly (i made those sounds too at her age, i still make them now), she still has hope for love and hope that her friends find love too. I cannot deny her that even if it gives me moments of hope. The Lad is simply a hope with no possibility. A pleasant dream, but it lives in unreality nonetheless.